A Complete Rainbow
by MagicAlexia
Summary: We know that Harley is madly in love with the Joker - but what exactly did she see in him? Read her letter to her mother following her transformation from Dr Harleen Quinzel to Harley Quinn, and find out what was going through her mind when she fell for him.


To my sweet mummy dearest,

It's been a while since you heard from me, hasn't it? No texts or letters or phone calls... Nothing, for at least a year. How worried you must have been. But I'm writing to tell you that, despite the numerous shootings and explosions and escapees from Arkham you must have heard all about on the news - there really is no need to worry about me anymore. In fact, you probably had more to worry about when I was a sweet innocent child - supposedly safe from harm - than you do now. Because now I'm with a man who has changed the very meaning of the word harm for me, and so I have nothing to fear anymore. I'm going to explain how in this letter.

The doctors at Arkham (who in my humble opinion did nothing to deserve that title) described my patient as a complete sociopath, but I saw him as a wonderful soul that could not be captured or pinned down by such a clinical, meaningless term. How could something so complex be seen as something so simple?

You see, I saw him as an entire rainbow, whilst every other person was just a single primary colour.  
There was no depth to them, you saw them once and that was it - they were what they were.  
But the Joker was EVERYTHING. I didn't know if I was going to be greeted with a kiss from his lips or from the head of his gun when I walked into his presence. And to say that this sounds ominous would be to miss the point entirely, so here's what was really going on: he made me feel in touch with nature, because he was as unpredictable, uncontrollable, powerful and terrifying as a raging sea, as nature itself.

And I LIKED to be terrified. I liked to feel alive. Because when do you feel more alive than the moment you most fear death? Don't you understand why I love him, mother? It's because I love life, like you've always said. And do you know what? He gives me all of it.

In this way, he simplifies everything for me with his complicated nature.  
I tried so hard to figure out how his mind worked while I was his psychologist, but I soon came to realise that I was destroying what made him so wonderful while I was studying him. It was like dissecting a beautiful butterfly when all you wanted to do was see it alive and free. You see, I had no hope of ever figuring him out, and when finally I relaxed in my ignorance I realised that I didn't NEED to know him. But I also realised that I needed to be with him, the same way we all cling to life while knowing we'll never be able to know the true meaning or purpose of it. His mystery liberated me. I didn't know where he came from or why. He just WAS, and I was in awe.

I accepted every order, everything he told me unquestioningly. It was so much easier that way. He had become my oxygen, and so he had also become my god.  
He knew it too, and so he treated me like a little boy treated a toy at times. I found such freedom in being his toy. I didn't need to use my own mind, and oh god, I was eager to shut that dreadful thing away with all its memories of heartache and embarrassment and pain it caused me. Good riddance to it I said. And no one with more decency in them than him would have treated me so horribly, and that was why I was so very glad to have met HIM. It was only because that bitter medicine was forced down my throat that I finally managed to taste a life so sweet. It was a bitter medicine that only HE, in his merciful cruelty, had the power to give to me.

Because I was a little flower - that was what everyone thought - one that should be protected and preserved at all costs. They wanted to keep me in whatever internal state was necessary so long as I looked pretty on the outside. But oh, internally I was a mess. Then he came along, ripped my heart out of me and let me be free of it. I became a trampled flower that was pleased to feel the coolness of the ground on her face at last. Because there is such power - such BLISS in not caring anymore, mother. That is what he showed me.

So let me be with this man who has "ruined me" as you say. For it was he who ruined my imperfections - that you loved - and all the pain they caused me so that I could start anew. He liberated me from the endless battle to be normal, normal, normal - one of three primary colours. Every dark shade within me was shunned by the world since the day I was born, but now I can let each one of them shine like nature intended. At last, I'm beginning to see the full scope of my nature as a brilliant, dazzling rainbow - like him.  
Now I am wild, I am beautiful, and I am ME. And no matter what you think, I know this is who I was always meant to be. I am sorry if the situation still displeases you, but surely you must understand that I cannot change who I am.

And now I must return to the very important task of baking cookies. I know Mr J likes the dark chocolate ones.

\- Harley 


End file.
